Saturday

The Dog’s morning walk was dominated by a conversation – a post mortem – on the decision to move Lesley’s dad from The Home.

I had found it particularly gut-wrenching and the atmosphere from my loss of temper was still lingering.

But Dad had been showing positive signs of settling in at The Home. He was much more placid during the trip to The Hospital on Thursday. He is settled except for the days when Lesley’s sister Face-Times him. She tells him that The Home isn’t right for him, that he deserves better and then reports to Lesley that he’s very confused and unhappy, that he hates the food and doesn’t trust the carers.

She has convinced herself, and is trying to convince him, that he needs to move. She’s seen the doctor’s notes that said that a move at this stage would be highly ill-advised. What she doesn’t know is that the staff at The Home have said that moving him now would be “cruel”.

Her response?

“These experts might be experts in their field, but we are experts in our Dad.”

She’s agreed with the GP all along. Right up to the point where it suits her not to.

Quite why it doesn’t suit isn’t really clear but two hypotheses are likely. The first is a power struggle with Lesley that has gone on since she was a toddler. She doesn’t like that Lesley has the LPA, or “The Power” as she calls it, and she doesn’t. I imagine she thinks she doesn’t because she lives so far away. I’m sure she has no idea that when the LPA was drawn up and the suggestion was made that her name be put on it the response from Dad was a resounding and definite “NO!” That means that any home that Lesley chose, no matter how good, would not be right. That also means that he should be moved regardless of the negative impact on Dad in an act of spite that would be unbelievable from anyone but her.

The second hypothesis is snobbery. The Manager at The Home would rather spend money on staff than on paint. The Home isn’t falling down by any stretch of the imagination but it shows the scuffs on doorframes caused by wheelchairs and wobbly residents in much the same way as the homes of the residents probably do. It’s not a resort hotel, it’s a home and it looks and feels like one. But that’s not good enough for Lesley’s sister who is possibly ashamed of his friends and neighbours visiting him there.

Then again, it’s probably both of the above.

“But you’ve got power of attorney, not her,” I had said, more unkindly than was necessary, “and his GP says he shouldn’t be moved. The GP says he doesn’t have capacity to decide where he lives so that means you have the final say.”

“I know, but what can I do? I can’t stop her phoning him and every time she does she undermines him and me. He won’t get any peace until I give in to her.”

Acting in his best interest is a fine balance to make. It will shorten his life for sure but it will ease the constant nagging in his ear that comes via Face-Time twice a week. So it may make his quality of life better if not the quantity. That’s providing, of course, that he likes the home he’s going to. By all accounts, the things at The Home that he doesn’t like will be worse there. They have a lot fewer staff than The Home does so response times are likely to be worse. He gets no notice that he needs the toilet and expects assistance in milliseconds after he presses the buzzer. He’s not going to get it where he’s going. But that doesn’t matter to Lesley’s sister.

Lesley’s sister is obsessed by the home he’s going to and is certain it’s the right thing to do. Just like she was obsessed by every other home she chose without actually visiting it until Dad was taken to see it and said he didn’t like it. Just like she was obsessed with homes that had a nice website in spite of the glaring red flags we found in their CQC reports. Just like she is obsessed with every home that isn’t one that Lesley chose.

Lesley noted another cause of Dad’s frustration during her visit this afternoon. His sense of time is completely broken. He’s been complaining that his food and drinks are always cold.

“I’m fed up that my tea goes cold so quickly here.”

“That cup of tea has been sitting there for 40 minutes.”

“Has it!?”

Moving to another home isn’t going to fix that.

Speaking of which, Lesley thought it would be a good idea to remind him that he would be moving next week every time she visits as his ability to recall anything is disappearing so quickly.

“Moving? Why? It’s not that bad here!”

Bloody hell.

Image Credit

Original image by Nick Gilmore. February 2025