Saturday

Yet another day that didn’t go as planned. The Dog has got quite used to one of us popping out briefly to go next door and feed the neighbours’ cat and fish while they’re away on holiday. But today, Lesley didn’t come back and it really unsettled her.

Lesley had to go and see her dad and because she felt too tired and stressed to drive she got the train instead. She carried on to the station after feeding the menagerie next door.

The usual rule is that when Lesley goes to her dad’s The Dog takes me on a longer and more strenuous walk. Not today. Already unsettled by Lesley having gone MIA, The Dog heard something she didn’t like the sound of as we left home and wouldn’t go anywhere. I thought it sounded like large pieces of timber being dropped. She clearly thought it was the sound of shotguns and was terrified. We don’t often hear the sound of shooting but the big house on the other side of the village does ‘events’ to supplement the revenue from their vineyard. When they don’t have a wedding on they’ll do clay pigeon shooting and it upsets all the dogs round here. Our hound was a quivering wreck.

Lesley did seem to have had a successful visit. Dad was much more comfortable about the extra help he was going to get. He might even be looking forward to it. He’s still in a state of complete confusion about his meds. The ones he’s been taking for years he’s more or less OK with and gets them right nearly every day. What’s throwing him is having to take paracetamol every four hours. Sometimes he’ll take them from his dosset box. Sometimes he’ll go to the boxes in his meds cupboard. The worry is that he might be doing both on the same day. We really have no idea how many he’s taking and, obviously, neither does he.

It was already quite late when I got to The Home. Reggie was on his way home. Still limping badly but not on crutches today. Still smiling and ready for a laugh.

I signed in and saw how few other visitors there had been today. Only one other signature today and that for a home with around 50 residents. There were only four other visitors yesterday and I thought that was bad enough.

I was confronted by Annie as the lift doors opened on the top floor.

“Will you take me downstairs Sir!? I have to get downstairs!”

I tried to press the floor selector and Doors Close buttons to send the lift away before she got in it but the lifts are designed to respond slowly so that the less able have time to get in and out. I just about managed to convince her that she would be better off having a seat in the lounge first before I took her anywhere. When we got to the lounge she didn’t want to go in so we carried on to her room. She didn’t want to go in there either. Annie was having another Badly Anxious day and was desperate to get out. She’d convinced herself several days ago that I was a member of staff. Today she was convinced that I was just the right person to help her get home.

Mum was quite alert today and she’d seen me go past her room with Annie. When I went in her room she was pleased to see me, she even said as much, but seemed to ignore me or not understand me when I told her “It’s Nick”.

Last weekend Mum had asked Reggie to ask his friend to come in and see her. We were both convinced Mum was talking about me and I’d been trying not to overthink that.

I definitely know when Mum knows who I am. She’s pleased and relieved to see me and wants to hold my hand. But there are days when even though she’s pleased to see me she just wants to talk at me. I’m unsure now whether there’s a distinction to be made between me being her Eldest Son and days when I’m just Reggie’s Friend who comes to see her a lot. If there is a distinction to be made then that’s quite saddening because the Eldest Son days are vastly outnumbered by Reggie’s Friend days. Today was a Reggie’s Friend day.

Mum was hallucinating quite strongly today. There were two children in her bed with her, an uncle was standing by the bathroom door and her mum was by the wardrobe again.

Annie wasn’t the only one feeling anxious and paranoid today. Mum told me than some calamity or other had befallen a man and that it had been her fault.

“He’s fine now Mum. There’s nothing to worry about and nobody’s blaming you”

Later on she told me that there had been a man there and when she started talking to him he just turned his back on her. Mum’s paranoid anxiety attacks aren’t common and except for one instance I can remember they aren’t serious. They’re usually references to a mild social slight, or being unjustly blamed for something that happened when she was a child or when she was at work. She hasn’t been in paid employment outside the home since she was married in the late 1950s. She must have carried these anxieties for most of her life and hadn’t voiced them until now.

Annie returned.

“You have to get everyone out of bed Sir! They’re not dead, they’re just sick!

Mum just carried on talking.

She talked a lot. Quite a lot of what she said was clear enough to understand. What was never clear was the part of a sentence that told me who it was she was talking about and what it was they had done or said. Only once was I able to understand enough to know that the little boy standing at the end of her bed had offered to pack up all her things before we left.

“I won’t have to do anything!” she told me

“That’s very kind of him Mum!”

More Other People arrived. Most of them were too indistinct for Mum to recognise them.

“Who’s that?” she’d ask

“I know the face Mum but can’t put a name to it. Think about something else and the name will come to you” I’d reply

Then someone she did recognise arrived floating high above us.

“Hello!” she said, “Hello! You don’t remember me do you?”

Annie returned.

“Please help me Sir! I’m telling them we have to leave quickly and they’re just laughing at me!”

I left the room to get Annie seated in the lounge again.

When I went back to Mum a minute later, she had no idea who I was at all.

Bloody hell.

Author’s Note

My Mum is in a nursing home in a small village in the Thames Valley. The photo is not of the home. I used an AI image generator to give the reader some idea of the home she’s in.

All, some or maybe even none (you’ll never know!) of the names have been changed to protect privacy and hide real identities. If you think you recognise someone then let me know and I’ll edit the post or remove it entirely