Things I wish I’d known

With all the kerfuffle about Lesley’s dad’s declining health since Mum’s death and the angst pervading everything since Lesley’s sister’s arrival, I had become more and more aware of how little time time I’d been allowed to dwell on and process Mum’s final weekend.

I’d found witnessing it to be something I wouldn’t wish on anybody. If only YouTube had shown me what it showed me today at the beginning of last month.

Mum went through all this. She followed the script word for word. I went back and looked at what I’d written during the days before That Weekend. Sure enough, the signs had been there. I’d just been too inexperienced to see them for what they were.

Yesterday had been quite traumatic and totally exhausting for Lesley, her dad and her sister.

Dad’s carer reported how worried he’d been about him. Very slow to wake up, very weak. He’d needed help shaving. A task he could do for himself no matter how bad he’d been in the past. Another key indicator of how poorly he was feeling was his readiness to accept the advice not to attempt to go to the day centre as usual. His trips to the day centre are his world and the whole family had realised that if he ever got so bad that he couldn’t go then that would be life-changing for him.

More details of events yesterday were shared here.

Abusive narcissists control their victims by being expert at pressing buttons to breaking point. The conflict provoked then allows them to play the victim themselves and play on the guilt response of the actual victim.

And that’s what had happened yesterday.

So while the ultimate decision to entrust The Home with Dad’s care was made, it seemed like a Pyrrhic victory. The obvious least worst choice had been accepted but at some cost.

Lesley had planned to go over to see her dad and her sister today but spent so long on phone calls for him that it got too late to be worthwhile going to spend any time with her sister on her last full day of her trip over.

Not that it would have been much of a visit. Dad had gone back to bed after his breakfast and later on, Sister did too.

Sister would be leaving to fly across several time zones home at noon tomorrow.

“Are you getting up early in the morning to see her before she goes?”

“No. She told me not to bother.”

Bloody hell.

Image Credit

Original image by Nick Gilmore. January 2025.