Thursday

If you look at websites like our NHS, the HSE or ACAS you’ll see that factors like too many demands, conflicting demands, a lack of control over how and when work is done and a lack of support from management are significant contributors to stress and burnout.

Our ‘managers’ are our elderly parents. It’s what occupies our heads almost every waking moment.

It’s less of a problem for me. I know that Mum has 24/7 care from highly skilled and highly dedicated professionals and I know that she’s safe and that her needs are met. If any input from me is required then a quick call is all that’s needed. Any actions are handled by someone else.

Lesley, on the other hand, effectively has a ‘manager’ whose dementia has progressed to a point where he is a whisker away from being classified as having severe mental impairment, who barely even knows what his needs are and who declines almost all help when it’s offered even if everyone else can see that he’s at significant risk of doing himself harm.

Today was due to be a non-visiting day for Lesley and her dad’s carer for the day was the local lady who also works at his day centre.

Today was likely to be a non-visiting day for me too. Seeing Mum’s hyperactive delirium yesterday evening was a strong pointer towards her being fully hypoactive today. Sleepy and Totally Unresponsive. I had the option of messaging Reggie to see how she was and not visiting if she showed no sign of knowing anyone was with her.

That was the plan.

The plan lasted until just after breakfast.

Dad’s carer messaged Lesley to tell her that he’d run out of milk and that she had to leave for her next job. Oh, and he’d admitted to another minor fall but couldn’t, or wouldn’t, say what, where, when or how it had happened. I thought it was interesting that the news that he’d run out of milk seemed more important than a fall that he couldn’t remember or couldn’t find the words to describe. It’s not my place to criticise though.

Lesley sat slumped on the sofa with her head in her hands. One of the few things that’s keeping dad going is the fortified milkshakes he’s been prescribed. No milk, no milkshake. Plus, today’s carer isn’t confident giving him the super-strong painkiller that also helps with his breathlessness. And there was that fall to think about too.

“I’ve got no option. I’ve got to go over there.”

So that was our day up-ended.

Lesley was out all day and I didn’t get much more done than walk The Dog. I think I’m getting stressed and burnt out by proxy.

My day got rounded off by the news from Reggie that Mum had been asleep all day and, as far as he could tell, she was likely to sleep all day tomorrow too.

I fully respect Lesley’s determination to stick to her dad’s wishes not to go into a nursing home. I really do. But when you look at a list of warning signs that your family member might need a higher level of care than you can provide yourself, Dad ticks every box bar one now.

The situation was different for me because the decision was made for me before Mum was discharged from hospital. They, rightly, determined that Mum didn’t have capacity to make decisions for herself and as Mum had rebuffed any attempt I made at getting her sign a Power of Attorney before she fell ill I was powerless to resist a Deprivation of Liberty order.

But Lesley does have Power of Attorney for her dad. It’s extremely tough for her because any change to the current situation will be strongly resisted by both her dad and her sister. It doesn’t seem to matter to either of them that the full impact of that resistance will land on Lesley. Things would be a lot easier if his mesothelioma was progressing faster than his dementia as the decision would be purely medical. At the moment, it seems his dementia is winning and the decision will rest on whether he can avoid a bad fall or some other accident in his home.

Bloody hell.

Bibliography

Managing work-related stress – Causes and signs of stress

Acas, the Advisory, Conciliation and Arbitration Service

Mental Health > Self-Help > Guides, Tools and Activities

NHS, the National Health Service

Is it Time? 8 Key Warning Signs It Might Be Time for a Different Level of Care.

Dr Natali Edmonds at Dementia Careblazers

Author’s Note

My Mum is in a nursing home in a small village in the Thames Valley. The photo is not of the home. I used an AI image generator to give the reader some idea of the home she’s in.

All, some or maybe even none (you’ll never know!) of the names have been changed to protect privacy and hide real identities. If you think you recognise someone then let me know and I’ll edit the post or remove it entirely